happy, and broke?

Learning selflessness, that's my biggest accomplishment since Zoe was born. There is nothing more powerful than the realization that someone else is relying on you solely to survive. It's a tough realization, considering at times I myself could barely survive in my past. But somehow, I manage to keep her thriving. She's truly the happiest baby I've ever known. But, then again, I've not known many babies the way I've known her.

Motherhood is full of worry, worry like you've never worried before. I already wonder what her future holds, and worry she may be into drugs, or she may have bad taste in men. What if she gets pregnant when she's 15? Ya see, this is the un-avoidable worry that plagues me while she's nursing so peacefully and innocently. I have to smack myself into reality and realize that what truly matters is who she is presently. And that person is absolutely amazing! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect child.

I decided to become a Stay At Home Mother the first day I left for work after my seemingly minuscule ten weeks with her, three of which were mostly bed ridden and mildly drugged up from the c-section I had. I had literally never felt such a sense of guilt, anguish, and worry on my way to work. Sometimes I wish I'd just turned around and gone home then and there. I knew in my heart it wasn't right for me. I knew Zoe wouldn't take it well, and that she'd have a tough time adjusting. I figured eventually she'd get accustomed to it, but I knew I never would. How could I go on knowing that while I was making minimum wage to basically pay for child care, my daughter would be taking her first steps, crawling, talking, and the one I actually did miss... laughing.

I missed her first laugh after only two weeks of being back, the next day I put in my two week notice. I was lucky enough to get the laugh on video thanks to grandma(see below), but how could I go back knowing that this was just the beginning of her major milestones? This was just the beginning of her becoming a little person, with a little personality. Watching her grow was, and is more important to me than any amount of money. It was more important than the boss I knew I would greatly disappoint, the co-workers who "saw it coming." It was more important than the insurance I'd lose. I realized that I could sacrifice everything for her; my monthly hair color, my clothes, my purses, the new shoes, new furniture, new car, and that new 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house I dream of. I realized I could be broke, and happy.

It's been the best decision I've ever made. Once I had my baby girl, I realized that my whole life was meant to have her in it. The first time I laid eyes on her, I loved her. She was instantly my little boom-boom (because she's so strong), my little Belle of the ball (life being the "ball"). She defied every moment I felt wronged, every moment I felt like life was out to get me, every time I thought love was false, or that parenthood was only for the conformist's. And being able to watch her thrive every moment, and grow, and develop a little devilish personality, is something I will forever be un-questionably grateful for.

Now, if I could just figure out how to keep paying the bills...